By Xiaowei, Shanghai City
Some time ago, even though I always received some inspiration and benefit when a sister who performed duties with me shared the enlightenment she had attained while reading the word of God, I also always had the lingering sense that she was showing off. I would think to myself, “If I respond to her right now, won’t I be pandering to her? In that sense, will I not then seem lesser than her?” As a result, I refused to bring up my own views in fellowship or comment on any of the thoughts that she shared. One time, my sister, having received some insights from reading a particular passage of God’s words, felt that there was something wrong with our states and asked me if I would be willing to fellowship with her on that passage of God’s words. As soon as she asked, all these thoughts and feelings of resentment floated to the surface: “You just want to testify about yourself, to have an audience to preach to. Why should I fellowship with you?” I even went so far as to skip out on a meeting so I wouldn’t have to hear her. After a while, I felt a heavy weight in my heart, I knew something was wrong with my state, but I couldn’t think of a good way to resolve my inner conflict. All I could do was to fully invest myself in my duties, read the word of God, and sing the hymns to distract myself from these negative feelings. However, whenever I had to face the current situation, the same corrupt disposition would rise in my heart—things were getting worse, not better—and I hadn’t a clue how to break free from it.
